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  • October 26th, 2009

    What Happens In Vegas…

    Linda Cullen

    As you age, you take great comfort in the fact that you have probably gained enough experience and wisdom through the years to allow you to maneuver through life without the intestine liquefying embarrassments that may have plagued your younger, more irresponsible years… (and when I say ‘you’, I mean ‘ME’) I thought that, until last week, when I was heading home from Las Vegas.

    Now being Vegas, you would probably expect that if embarrassment was to be had, it would be had while in the actual confines of the city of Sin itself. You know, one too many free drinks while playing the Whack-a-Mole slot machines, leading to a complete song by song re-enactment of Cher’s show, resulting in you being hauled away by Animal Control, due to the fact that your impression of Cher sounded more like a goat being abused than the bejeweled, bewigged diva.

    No, my humiliation came at the airport, coming home. I had taken my Mother there on a birthday present trip, so she could see the many changes, and also so she could recite a variety of complaints that work well there, e.g. “It’s too dark.” “That’s too much food!!” “It’s too cold.” “That’s too loud.” “That’s too complicated!” “That’s too expensive!” “That’s too Big!” “The teapot has no lid!” “The gondolas are too Italian!” And many others I don’t have the energy to type out. This may have led to a kind of brain numbing, I’m not sure, because I got us to the airport, and through security in plenty of time for our flight…but then something happened to my head, and I don’t know when or where, but I suddenly thought we had really a lot of time before our flight. So I said, well, let’s have one last go on the slots for the road and we sat down to donate more money to the Pat & Vanna charity for wayward game show hosts. Finally, after a few bonus rounds with the Wheel, we decided to make our way to the gate…slowly, really really slowly. All of a sudden an Air Canada attendant came up to us and asked if we were Cullen. I said yes and for an instant, I thought, well she must recognize me from my old TV show, or maybe she listens now to our podcast, Double Exposure Radio, so I was about to start signing an autograph for her, when her voice got loud, “You are supposed to be on the plane!! They are waiting for YOU!!” I started to get angry. Our flight wasn’t until 12:25. “NO! 11:05 boarding. They are waiting for YOU!” Now I’m becoming outraged. That’s Air Canada for you, now they’re just randomly picking times for boarding, just to screw with your mind…and then I realized, no, it wasn’t 12:25, it was 11:25…yes, they were waiting for US. I was mortified. And now I have to walk down the aisle of shame, the last two people to board. And I know what everyone is thinking, because I have thought those things too over the many years of flying. How STUPID could these people be? Where were they, those sewage sucking scab picking pox infested lichen lickers!! That’s what I called people like me!

    I desperately wanted to walk on the plane and yell, “So sorry folks, I was walking to the gate in plenty of time, but a man collapsed from a heart attack, and I had to perform CPR, so yes, I’m a few minutes late, but hey, I saved a life!!” To which the plane would erupt in thunderous applause, and I would get a free curry chicken wrap for lunch. Good times! But I said nothing, kept my head down, and got me and my Mother into our seats as quickly as possible. Now, I felt guilty about everything that happened on the flight. “Folks captain speaking. Sorry about the turbulence, but if we’d left on TIME, well it would’ve been smoooth sailing.”

    I think the worst part about the whole mess was that I’m pretty sure that my Mother has always harboured suspicions that her daughter was 2 parts idiot, 1 part flake, and now, finally, she had her proof.

    I wish I had a really legitimate excuse. Being a Sagittarius? Flares on the Sun? The only thing that comes close to being a bona fide defense, is that I had a really nasty case of sinusitis for two weeks, and had been blowing out some disturbing looking chunks. I realize now that a number of the greener looking pieces were actually hunks of brain. The good news is I work in comedy…in tact brains are not a prerequisite.

    Listen to the podcast Double Exposure Radio every week at www.doublexposureradio.com

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