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  • December 26th, 2009

    The Man Who Saved America

    Bob Robertson

    I am here to tell you the story of one man who made a difference and saved America. His name was Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab. On Christmas Day 2009 the United States of America had lost 7. 2 million jobs over the previous two years. Unemployment was at 10 per cent. Economists feared a double dip would strike the fragile recovery. And then along came Mr. Abdul Mutallab. Mr. A (I’m doing that because if I keep having to type Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab I may not finish this piece) was a wannabe terrorist who seemed to be studying at University College in London. I’m saying ‘seemed to be’ because he was what we sometimes refer to as a dolt (dict. synonyms-idiot, fool, clod, nitwit, dummy). Two of many reasons I call him that are A; He pined to die a martyr and go to frolic with his 72 virgins despite the fact that he lived in England and saw the world’s most celebrated virgin, Susan Boyle, on the telly every night, and B; he tried to blow up an airplane flying to Detroit but instead set fire to his crotch. Of course he also scared the beejeezus out of a planeload of passengers and crew, but, enough negatives about Mr. A.

       By the time Mr. A was in plastic cuffs and cooling his private parts in a detention centre, a chain reaction had begun which would push the American economic recovery faster than anyone had imagined. The Department of Homeland Security went on high alert paying out more overtime wages than they had since it began in 2001, allowing untold numbers of employees to pay down that stubborn household debt. Hiring at Homeland Security was stepped up, taking thousands of Americans off the unemployment rolls and into jobs that would last the rest of their lives, all sorts of good, solid jobs; hand searching every carry-on bag, frisking every passenger boarding a flight, and providing wages enough to get them saving for a down payment on a house. The moribund U.S. housing market suddenly got a jolt from all these people wanting new homes. Carpenters, plumber, electricians, bricklayers across America were suddenly back at work building and, with their pay cheques, buying the new cars they had wanted for a few years. As a result, the U.S. auto industry saw a surge in car and truck sales bringing workers back to plants, workers who felt so good they decided to splurge a little at the mall, and, just like that, the U.S. retail industry sprang back to life. Market watchers concluded the American economy was now rocketing out of recession and declared good times were here again, driving the Dow Jones Average over 14,000 for the first time since 2007. All this resurgence pushed the American dollar to heights unseen before and America was, once again, the economic engine of the world. Money flowed like rivers. Billions poured into research. Cancer was cured, even stubborn stains in clothes were no longer a worry for future generations. Earth had never seen such prosperity. And all because Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab wanted heavenly sex with 72 virgins, but instead lit a fire in his flammable Y-fronts.

       Never doubt this again; one single person, even a horny numskull like Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, can truly make a difference.
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