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  • November 30th, 2009

    God’s Picks of the Week

    Bob Robertson

    An excerpt from Neale Donald Walsh’s new book, “Conversations with God, Book 12, ‘Oh, and One More Thing’

    Here’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you but we’ve been so busy with things like “Why are we here?” and “Where do we go after we die?” that I haven’t had a chance to ask you.

    Shoot.

    Wait a minute. Did God just say ‘shoot’?

    Of course! I can be colloquial, too. It wasn’t me that started all that ‘thee’ and ‘thou’ stuff.

    Okay, here’s the question; why do you and your son prefer football to any other team sport?

    Why do you think we do?

    Well, I was watching the Grey Cup game and after the Alouettes won, the first thing out of the quarterback’s mouth was, ‘I’d like to thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.’ And before you answer about your preference for football, just how did Jesus make sure the Alouettes won?

    We are all powerful. There’s nothing we can’t do. He was watching, as he always does in his heavenly rec room and with 40 seconds to go, it seemed as if Saskatchewan was going to win the game. Now, here’s something you don’t know about Jesus and you never heard this from me; he hates Saskatchewan. He hates everything about it. It’s too flat. It’s too dusty. It’s too cold in the winter and they make all their money selling potash. Potash for crying out loud! Worst of all are the Roughrider fans because they wear carved-out watermelons on their head and Jesus just goes ballistic when he sees that. So, with 40 seconds left, he whispered into the ear of one of the Roughriders standing on the sidelines and told him to run onto the field for the kick block. There were already twelve players on the field, so the Roughriders got a penalty, letting the kicker boot it from ten yards closer and the rest is history. It was nothing more than just a few words in a player’s ear, that’s all. The player thought it was the voice of the Special Teams coach. Another tid bit for you; Jesus is quite the mimic. I caught him doing me once at lunch in the Angelic Cafeteria. Not a bad impression although he over-did the ‘me giving Adam the finger thing’ from the Michelangelo painting. I kept yelling at him. I used my forefinger, for crying in the chalice!

    Okay, so let’s get back to my first question. In the Alouettes locker room afterwards there was a chant, “All the glory belongs to God!” Over and over they chanted this, but I never hear hockey players, after winning the Stanley Cup, thanking God. I never hear soccer teams winning the world Cup and thanking God. Why football?

    Well, I don’t know about Jesus, but for me it’s the uniforms. Any sport that puts men in tight pants and women in short shorts deserves my special attention. That’s about it, really. I never liked hockey because of all the trash talk taking my name in vain most of the time and the spitting! Makes me lose my dinner sometimes. Soccer has way too many guys diving for my liking. We just really dig football and that’s why we offer a ‘guiding hand’ to certain teams and players. We make our weekly picks and interfere accordingly. The players all know it and that’s why Jesus and I are always a big part of the celebration.

    Okay. One last question on this topic; why weren’t the players in the losing locker room thanking you and Jesus?

    Ah, that, my son, is the best question of them all and you’ll be surprised you hadn’t guessed the answer already. You see, Jesus and I only handle the good things that happen in the world. ‘You know who’ looks after all the bad stuff, which includes the losing teams in football games. He seems to get a kick out of watching them wallow in their misery in the locker room. So, the message is clear and your readers should remember this; when something great happens to you, a miracle of some sort, it’s God’s doing and you should shout that out to anyone who will listen. When something bad happens to you, how embarrassing would it be to start shouting “The Devil made me do it!” Oops gotta go. I just noticed the little sparrow fall.

    So, you’ll catch it and then what?

    Well, what else would a football fanatic do after a great catch like that? I spiked it into the turf.

    For more irreverence, go to the Double Exposure Radio website at;

    http://doublexposureradio.com/podcast.html

     

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