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  • December 3rd, 2009

    AND GOODWILL TO ALL…EXCEPT THE CRAPPY PIANIST

    Linda Cullen

    I have PTPSD.  Post Traumatic Party Stress Disorder.  Okay, let me back up just a bit.  We had our big Christmas party last weekend.  Family and friends “donning their gay apparel” and wassailing, which I believe is still legal in most provinces.  In general I think the party was a success, primarily because there were no fist fights. (Memories of a family wedding in England, but that’s another story) 

                However, there was one moment of severe embarrassment for yours truly.  Knowing me as you do, you’re probably saying to yourself “Linda, surely severe embarrassment is as familiar to you as looks of incomprehension are to Stephane Dion*” and you’d be correct.   You see, I had promised to play the piano for the singing of Christmas carols.  Now, most everything I play has a dirge-like quality to it.  Plus I use a ‘Search and Destroy’ method when it comes to hitting the right notes, but I thought if I practiced I’d at least be able to hammer out 3 easy carols. 

                I began with Deck the Halls.  On the first try I managed to get all the way to “Deck the halls with…” when I lost my bearings and started playing something that you might hear in a really disturbing nightmare.  So I started again. 

                On my second attempt I didn’t quite make it through the first “Deck” when I fell apart!  The crowd was getting restless, desperately wanting to move beyond the first word of the song and I could sense if I didn’t find at least one note that sounded familiar I’d soon be pelted with mince tarts and cranberry sauce.  So in order to save the buffet, I had to stop playing.   Luckily we had an emergency room doctor in the group who had ‘good hands’ on the piano as well, and even though he was Jewish, he didn’t mind getting us through Joy to the World. 

                But I was pretty embarrassed because, well mostly because I stunk the joint out.  And I know in the future if I ever proclaim, modestly, “I’m not really very good at the piano,” instead of being reassuringly supportive, folks will just say “Oh you’re not just whistling Dixie, sister!”  I realized that playing the piano is like testifying at the Gomery** Inquiry…it’s all about the fingering. 

                There is something good that has come from the pain.  I’ve decided to hire myself out as a piano player, but not for the usual weddings and bar mitzvahs.  I think there’s a market for a talent like me to play at divorces and funerals for people that nobody liked.  And then when someone says,

    “Geez, that pianist at Horrible Harry’s funeral was TERRIBLE!”

    The response will be “Yeh, but somehow it suited him.”

    And the great thing is, I won’t need to practice.

                                                      ———————————

    *Depending on when you read this, still the leader of The Liberal Party of Canada.  French is his mother tongue.  Unfortunately English is his ugly stepsister tongue.

    **Hard to believe, but politicians were investigated for corruption.  I know, you’re feeling faint from the shock.  Fingers were pointed, some folks were sent to jail, and once again our children are safe.

     PS    Another way to avoid this kind of embarrassment, is to purchase a copy of my book 5,378 Tips For a Better Life, Hotter Sex, Fresher Breath, Thicker Hair, Thinner Thighs and Cleaner Laundry!! (not necessarily in that order) and instead of trying to play the piano, simply read the above story, or choose from 56 other ones that are chock full of chuckles, or my name isn’t…wait, it’s coming to me…crap, it was on the tip of my tongue…Earl?  Somehow that doesn’t seem right, but let’s go with it until I can find an article of clothing that has my name sewn into it.  And hey, if you’re stuck for just the right kind of gift for the hundreds of employees you heroically lead, then I think you’ve found the answer.  This way, you don’t have to keep track of everyone’s inside seam measurements, and it’s definately LOW fat!  Plus, in these tough economic times, the price is pretty good too.  So follow the link below which will take you to the Double Exposure Radio site, and you’ll find all the places that you can buy this excellent quality merchandise. Plus, if you haven’t heard it already, you can listen to our podcats, also filled with laughs.   And if enough of you do purchase this book, then you will truly have a happy Christmas, and so will I.  Because even though my last name is Cullen, sadly I am not related to Edward Cullen, and all his vampire family, who can so easily render a bank manager unconscious, and just help themselves to the inside of a vault.  No, I’m doing it the old fashioned way…Visa and Mastercard.  Happy HO HO and happy READING!   http://doublexposureradio.com/books.html

     

           

     

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