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    July 27th, 2009

    Advise and Repent

    Bob Robertson The Dixie Chicks had a well-known comedy song a few years back called “Earl Must Die” and I’ll bet for a lot of the people who gave Earl Jones their life savings only to see all their money disappear, that song might be playing over and over in their heads today. It seems the era of handing your nest egg over to some sweet-talking shyster who calls him or herself a “Financial Advisor” is coming to an end, as it should. This is spoken by someone who has done just that in the past with some disastrous results, although, luckily, I didn’t lose everything I had. And, the problem was and still is, most of us think we don’t know how best to save our money, so we give it to someone who can babble on for hours about  “No-front-load mutual funds”, “Asset-backed securities” or  the “Constant yield method” which I thought had something to do with always letting other drivers cut in front of you. As if being able to say “Bracket creep” makes you a financial genius.

    Yes, I’ve had the financial advisor from hell. If you’ve got a few hours I could tell you about the gold mine investment where we struck gravel. Even after the mine caved in and water filled all the crevices, I briefly considered hanging on to my shares because I pictured a day when gravel would come back as a currency just like it was in Neanderthal times (and people maybe opened a chain of stores called “Everything for a Stone”), but, eventually I let it go and lost…I dunno, some thousands of dollars. I could tell you about the feature film that we were persuaded to invest in. When we met with the creative team, the producer said, “The script is kind of rough but that’s all we’ve wrotten(sic) so far”. I put that (sic) thing in there because the producer was supposed to have said “written” but didn’t actually know anything about grammar, and, not surprisingly, didn’t know anything about producing a movie either. By the way, the film, all about how extras on a movie set get drugged up and die instead of walking on as background people in a street scene…if you think you’ve seen it, you’re wrong. It didn’t get a theatrical release. It didn’t get a TV or DVD release. I think it might be shown in prison film classes on how not to make a movie. I lost…ohhh, maybe the cost of an expensive sedan. I could go on, but I’m already starting to hyperventilate so I’ll stop.

    The moral of the Earl Jones or Bernie Madoff story is pretty simple. You’ve earned all this money, or maybe your wealthy industrialist husband died and willed you all this money. Who are you going to give it to for safe keeping? When you walk into a doctor’s office, you always look on the wall right? Just to check out the diploma. Do the same if you’re in your financial advisor’s office. If the diploma says, “Shoppers Drug Mart Do it Yourself Finance Course”, try somebody else, or better yet, find a spot under your mattress. These days, it’ll give you a pretty good return on your dollar.

       By the way, speaking of Earl Jones, we put together a song that sums up most people’s feelings on our July 24th Double Exposure Radio podcast called “One Night in Point-Claire”. Try it out at http://doublexposureradio.com/podcast.html

    July 10th, 2009

    Advice for Stephen Harper

    Bob RobertsonThe 2009 G8 summit has wrapped up in Italy and, as usual, Canada was there. God knows why. Not that I don’t think this is an excellent country, indeed, it’s the best place in the world to live, but one of the world’s most powerful countries? Who are we kidding? Anyway, one of the most-looked-forward-to moments of every G8 summit, other than the final statement announcing no agreement on anything, is the leader’s photograph where they all stand shoulder to shoulder and pretend to like each other. However, once again, for the second year in a row, Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper was missing when they tried to round the leaders up. You might ask, “What’s that all about?” Well, I believe Stephen Harper has an enlarged prostate. Isn’t it the first sign? Whenever people are looking for you, you’re in the toilet. Where else would he be; doing a secret deal with Russia to deport all of Canada’s gays and lesbians to the Gulag in return for letting the Russians take Nortel off our hands? No, go for the prostate problem. Isn’t it obvious, when they took the G8 leaders’ photo, Stephen was in the loo having a pee. Now, an enlarged prostate can also effect your sex life, although, putting the words “sex life” and “Stephen Harper” together in the same sentence is not technically possible. Honestly? I think both the Harper kids were from virgin births. I suspect that an angel came to Stephen and Laureen’s bedside one night and said, “Steve? Let me show you how it’s done.” So, my message to Stephen Harper; you’re a man over 40. Get your prostate checked once a year and maybe we can start seeing you in those highly-sought-after G8 group shots.

       Which reminds me that Double Exposure has all that sort of thing covered in this week’s comedy podcast which you can find at; http://doublexposureradio.com/podcast.html.

    Besides Stephen Harper at the G8, there also that tricky little matter of Harper pocketing a communion wafer at the LeBlanc funeral. Sam Spade goes on the case we call “The Missing Wafer Caper”. You’ll also hear our own version of “A Prairie Home Companion” with Garrison introducing a new singing group made up of Bill Clinton, Marc Sanford and Eliot Spitzer who call themselves “The Horny Bottom Boys” singing their big hit “I am a Man in Constant Trouble”. You’ll hear Barack Obama talking to Dmitry Medvedev of Russia about the nuclear stockpiles. That and a new feature of our podcast each week, the start of 65 episodes of “Smoking Loins of Desire”; a soap opera about wieners. All this week on Double Exposure Radio where you can now order T-shirts, hats, mugs, and other handy items, all emblazoned with the flashy “Double Exposure Radio” logo. Easy to order. Just go here;


    Let the world see you know how to LOL. Oh, and by the way, we’ve looked at that footage over and over where Stephen Harper, allegedly, pockets the communion wafer and have come to the final conclusion that he was simply saving it for the dip at the post-funeral party.



    July 3rd, 2009

    Summer in Canada

    Bob Robertson

    I love summer in Canada. One of the perks of being a speaker/entertainer is that I get to participate in a lot of special events, many of which happen in the summer.

       I remember a warm June night in Ottawa, after entertaining Prime Minister Mulroney and an arena full of Conservatives; I was invited to a party under a tent at 24 Sussex Drive. I thought, “Well, most Canadians don’t get to do this!” I saw plates of hors d’oeuvres going around, I saw wine glasses clinked in toasts, I saw a small German man with envelopes stuffed with cash running in and out…no, I’m kidding. I kid for a living.

      Once, on a hot July 1st, I entertained at a conference in Whitehorse and, because it was nearby, I decided to drive to the marge at Lake LaBarge to see where Robert Service cremated Sam McGee. Standing beside that legendary lake, I realized that the flames may not have killed Sam McGee, but, if he’d been standing next to me, the mosquitoes certainly would have done him in. Ah, mosquitoes; in Manitoba they call them the provincial bird.

       I’ve had Ralph Klein serve me a soggy pancake at the Calgary Stampede. I’ve raced a conference of financial advisors up Signal Hill to watch the icebergs and I’ve bellowed “Farewell to Nova Scotia” as tears streamed down my lobster-stained face. All under a summer sun.

       This summer, while you enjoy time at the cottage, or on the island, or just in your backyard, remember you can take Double Exposure Radio with you anywhere to make sure you get lots of laughs. So, go to http://doublexposureradio.com/podcast, load up your iPod and make this the summer of fun.

       A frosty, cold beer; $4.75. Being a Canadian in the summer; priceless!